Leeds Fest:The World is a Vampire

Hello again. I notice that no-one's checked this out,but then again I wasn't expecting anything seeing as the site's not up yet and all that. These grievances are mere trifles. No matter.

I went to Leeds Fest last thursday,a week today! I've just realised. If you saw the ridiculous mud then you know what I had to deal with. Gather 'round kiddies, while the aul' fella regales you with a tale that will make you laugh,cry and piss yerself summore.

So last thursday I got up dead early to get my stuff ready for the trip to Leeds Fest. I've never been to one before this year, so I was kinda excited, kinda dreading it in case I hated it.I did my food and tinny shopping at like 8 in the morning, getting the essentials like Oreos, Blackthorn Cider, Vodka and a big bag of Crisps. At half 1 in the afternoon my mate Luke's dad drove us to Argos in Bradford town centre, cos Luke had one tent, and having shared sleeping space with me before, did not want to do so again. Apparently I snore, which I made him recant after Leeds Fest,but that's another story. Argos held no tents at all, so we headed to the giant Tesco somewhat desperately trying to find an additional tent. One was procured, and off to Leeds Bus Station we went. When we got there we realised all the stuff we bought in Morrisons was weighing us down BADLY. There were a LOT of people with camping stuff, and under the age of 30 milling around every single bus stop, so we had no idea where we caught the bus. Round where the National Express stops were, we found this rickety 1950s double-decker they use for a school bus nowadays with a piece of paper with "Leeds Fest" on it, and we got tickets and got on. Surprisingly, it got us there without any traffic jams,so I recommend that as a means of transport to the site. However,the previous bus passenger congealed in a massive queue,so we didn't get away scot-free.

On the bus, Luke and I look around us and noticed the majority of the passengers were sporting wellies. Dread filled us like wind,waiting to be farted out in violent fashion. As we got off, we realised we would need wellies too. The mud was abysmal. Snaking round the barriers with the rest of the queue, we got very muddy, and the crate of Carlsberg that Luke had bought had to be jettisoned, as it was slowing us down considerably,as Luke had taken to kicking it along cos of the mud. When we got inside the tent where you get your strap-thing, the mud was even more severe. I almost lost my favourite shoes, which I was not cool with. Once out of the tent,with our Leeds Fest straps, we had to go find a place to pitch our tents.

We spent a lot of time finding adequate space to pitch our tents, suspecting that people who said they'd saved it for someone were merely lying to us so they could have it. If you did that,then you're a dishonest fuck and I hope you die, cos my bags were HEAVY,man, and you screwed me over even though I was there first! Before finding a seemingly ok spot, I fell on my arse in the mud,and cos my bags were so heavy I had trouble getting up.I'm ashamed to say that I needed help from a passer-by.If that was you,thank you very much.I owe you one.After finding a seemingly ok spot,we began setting up the tent, and it was at this point that Luke discovered that he didn't have enough rods to set it up. Grumbling,muddy and sore, Luke said he'd go find a better spot to set up the other one, and that we'd have to share. Fair enough I thought. He was gone a long time, and because of this, I cracked open my Blackthorn and got supping. Cos my stomach was empty, it affected quite quickly, and I did a film on my camera. If I can work out how to put it on here I will.It's on Facebook though, so I might just put it on the Underbelly page.

After about half an hour, Luke comes and gets me, and we head off to where our tent has been pitched. It looks ok, and I put my stuff in, and start drinking in earnest. We're having a good time as well, saying hello to the people near us, and I agree to meet up with Mini, from Check Check. We met up, I said hi to her mates, and had a drink, then left to find Luke and some of our friends. I meet them after a lot of confusion, and get roped into carrying half of their stuff. I fell over a whole bunch more cos my hands were full, and once we finished dropping their stuff off, me and Luke headed back to our tent. When we got back, it was collapsed. Having lent his torch to one of our friend's party, we had to try and fix the tent under mobile-phone light, which wasn't too helpful. Giving up, we just got in anyway and fell asleep, muddy and cold.

I woke up at 6 the next morning, freezing and feeling like my feet had frostbite. I put on the hiking boots I'd borrowed from my step-dad, which had served me well the previous day, and went to the toilets. On coming back, I just sat outside the tent, waiting for Luke to get up. At 9,he rose from his slumber. We tried to fix the tent in the daylight, and the rods snapped like a Baby's arm. Hating our lives, we went to get the bus to Tesco, so we could get food, a torch,a new tent and more beer. Tesco had sold out of tents, and wellies too, so naturally we hated our lives even more. While we dined on rotisserie chicken, we decided to retreive the abandoned rods from where we left our previous tent, so we could use them to replace the broken ones. Feeling incredibly resourceful and intelligent, we set off back to the site, to carry out our plan. It worked,sort of. It looked like an elderly man's arsecheek. After sorting out our tent problems, we decided to enter the main area, to check shit out, and we said we'd check back on the tent (named Derek) in a couple of hours. We went to the comedy tent, and saw this Australian called Brendan Burns tear the shit out of some poor Liverpudlian kid.It was hilarious. We watched another comedian and went to check on the tent. It had slipped somewhat, so we re-positioned it and left to go watch Tenacious D. Pendulum were just finishing, and loads of scallies were issuing forth from the Radio 1 tent. I pitied the following artist, Conor Oberst, as the audience for Pendulum greatly dwarfed his own. I would've seen him, but I only own one album, and Tenacious D aren't as depressing. The 'D were fun, and when they finished, Luke left to go see CSS. I was left along to witness Metallica. I'm a huge fan of Metallica, despite what people say about them, and being able to see them live for the first time was gonna be immense, yet some part of me was worried they'd be terrible. I was not disappointed. They owned all. The fireworks for "One" were awesome, slightly like being in a real war. After watching them tear everyone to pieces, I went back to my tent and got in my sleeping bag, and all the while people tripped over Derek and me. I switched my torch on, and it did a bit of good, but not much. Luke came back, and said he was off to meet our friends, but came back after a bit cos he'd got lost. We didn't get any sleep that night cos of the white tents with DJs in playing "choons".

When I decided to get up on the Saturday morning, I was pissed off. My eyes were bleary and my vision was like looking through an old pub window that's been warped. I went to the toilets, and went on a tremendous wander. I realised that I myself was not having the best of times at Leeds Fest, what with the unintentional sobriety, the lack of sleep, the mud, and inhumane tent. I considered going home. My reasoning was that I'd seen Metallica, so the rest can piss off. Remember, reader, that I was half asleep, groggy, cold and annoyed. I did not mean these words. I remembered those who weren't there who should have been, people like my girlfriend who would've removed her left arm with her teeth if it meant she could go, and I felt bad, and was determined to make the most of it. I ate, drank, and rested my legs and felt better. My knee was playing up that morning,must've slept funny, but once I headed back to the tent I was fine. Luke was up so we went and sat, and then went into the main area when it opened, and went to see Future of the Left, who were very funny and very good. After, we ate and went into the Punk tent, where the Loved Ones were beginning their set. I've been meaning to see them and they were exceptional in my book. Very impressed. We went from there to see Serj Tankian, who was a bit preachy, and didn't play any SOAD!!!I was disgusted!Someone had an Israel flag and someone else had a Lebanon flag, and Serj made them meet in the pit, yelling the whole time they headed towards each other "IT'S THAT FUCKING EASY!!!" I remarked to Luke, "It isn't actually, there's thousands of years of hatred there.Probably never sort it all out". We sniggered at Serj's naivety. After him was.....yes!We went back to the tent to drink before MGMT. I knwo they're REALLY indie and trend-whores, but I had a right time watching them!I actually danced!!!!And I was tipsy!!!After them we went to get a good spot for QOTSA and RATM.

Something funny happened during QOTSA. If you went to Leeds Fest, you might remember that people were collecting the paper cups you got booze from there cos if you took them back to the refund point they'd give you 10p.Well, Luke got into it and when we're stood watching QOTSA, I see the guy stood next to me drop his relatively full cup. I pick it up, and offer it back to the guy, who looks at me horrified, shaking his head. I pour some of my drink, a mix of cider and lager, into his cup and offer him it. He shakes his head again, with that scared face. Thinking 'well, I tried', I knock back the drink. Luke turns to me and says "Do you know what was in that cup?!" Answering beer, I was told that I was incorrect. Human urine was. In my defence, the cup was empty, and I didn't taste anything. The guy felt really bad, but it was my fault, not his. I was just trying to do a nice thing. After QOTSA, we moved a bit forward for RATM, and there were these lads from Sunderland who kept going on at me about Metal Gear Solid. Cos it was funny, I joined in. Luke got high, and pissed on a man's leg. Then Rage started. It was awesome. After RATM, we drank summore, and remembering Luke wanted to go to one of the party tents, I went to the one shaped like a Duracell battery, and texted my friends. I didn't hear from Luke, but I heard from others and went to hang out with them at their tent. I had to walk past a waltzers that had a painting of R Kelly on,which made me piss my pants. Getting worried for my friend, I decided to head back to the tent, and it started to rain. I hid in a gazebo, and getting back to the tent I found him sleeping. I got in my sleeping bag and joined in. After a while I felt dripping, and there was a torrential downpour beating down on us, and cos the vent was directly above me, I got drenched. I was curled foetally in my sleeping bag, praying to a non-existant god that it would pass. After maybe 15 minutes (I'm not sure, I think I was half asleep) it stopped and I went under another gazebo to just sort myself out. Then and there I decided that I would not spend another night in the tent, which incidentally had collapsed again.

An hour later I rang my parents and said I'd be coming home that night. Luke's dad agreed to pick us up at midnight after we'd seen the Manics. Now fully awake, the pair wandered round and battled with the mud. The sun came out later in the day, and I might've seen the Loved Ones on the sunday.I'm not sure. We definitely saw Seasick Steve, Foals (don't ask,they got a bigger pit than Metallica), Justice (who were awesome), Bullet For My Valentine (DIRTY SCENESTER SHITE!!!!!NEVER GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY!!!!),and the Manic Street Preachers, who were great. My feet were killing after the Manics, yet I hurried back to Derek to pack our stuff and go home. He seemed to have got even lower, and we got our stuff, and I wanted to piss on him for being such a wonderful tent. Luke said no, and off we went to wait for Luke's dad, who got lost. I got home at half 2 in the morning.

I would go to Leeds Fest again, but I'm going prepared next time, and with more people. Ideally with someone who has a decent tent that they know how to put up, and ideally a good line-up too.

Remarks inspired by Cider

Hello.I've been drinking strong Hertfordshire cider. Henry Weston's Special Reserve. Good stuff for £1.67. I need to brush my teeth. Yeah, I started this cos I saw that JR (of JR's radio show fame) had started a blog and through the spirit of competitiveness I naturally decided to create my own. There's a car alarm going off near my house and it's annoying me greatly.

Anyone been watching Big Brother.Why is Mohammed still in the house?He's rubbish, he just sleeps and eats and winds me up with his inactivity. If I could stick my hand through the bars of the Big Brother house I would prod him with a stick to make him active. Initially I put aside my hatred of him because I thought he'd be a catylyst, someone who things happen to and it'd be interesting to watch. Now he's just tedious.

I'm trying to watch my language cos I'm not sure if I'm allowed to swear.

I'm unlucky at the moment cos a lot of my friends have birthdays at this time of year and being impoverished and "signing on" I have little means to enjoy all their birthday celebrations. It's saddening cos I want to be present at their functions, but finances dictate otherwise.

I bought Slipknot's first album a few weeks ago, the same day I saw The Dark Knight I think. It's really good, and I've been listening to "Eyeless" a lot despite its nonsensical chorus.

Something's up with my jaw.

I woke up this morning and stank of curry.Last night's festivities ebbed anf flowed me towards a fateful collision with a curryhouse. I now ahve heartburn.

Listen to Strapping Young Lad

Numero Uno

This is my first blog on here.Whoop.Not even connected to the rest of the radio sites.Nehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.